Ketubah and Bedeken

We started the evening with a brief havdalah prayer, 
since a wedding can only occur after Shabbat.

Here we are in video:

Wow...we are really going to do this!

We hugged and read the Ketubah

The witnesses and Rabbi signed

Ric and I signed in Hebrew 
and English

And then after a few minutes alone, thinking about the commitment we were about to make, Ric covered my face with the veil and we were ready.

Honoring family

It is said that the love ones who have passed come back to attend a "simcah" and to stand under the chuppa with bride and groom. Our chuppa was small, but we wanted to find a way to honor those visitors. We wove as many people as we could  into the fabric of the ritual.   


 We used my brother's Tallit for the chuppa. We used a glass of my paternal grandmother wrapped in a cloth decorated by my maternal grandmother for Ric to stomp on. I wore my Dad's signet  ring. My original wedding ring, which I put on later, has the diamond from my grandmother's ring. The seashells in the bouquet were all collected with my cousins on our very recent trip to Israel on the beach at Cesarea. The seashells on the tables were ones I had collected over the last many years from beaches everywhere. Ric and I drank from the new wine goblets the Cindy gifted us and lit a candle in the matching holder. We set the stage by inviting those who love and loved us, and those we love, into the space. 


The congregation and guests did the rest.

getting ready

 After the wild Israeli pre-wedding experience we clearly HAD to do something before our wedding. So the weekend before the wedding my fiend Cindy flew in for a bride and groom "shower" in the mountains. We hiked and sailed and laughed and tasted wine. It POURED during the wine tasting so we hid in a corner and went out on wine tasting expeditions. We laughed and celebrated the joy of just being together.

Cindy could not make it to the wedding, but she brought us wine glasses and a special candle holder to have at the wedding. She also helped with the second stage of the bridal bouquet construction. By day we hiked and by night we wrapped wire in ribbons, preparing the pieces for final construction.

 And then it was wedding weekend! My niece 
(it's complicated) Emily flew in and completed the 
bouquet. Shells and turquoise ribbon and pearls.
 So very Mer! 

  
So the only think left to do is to get pretty! Emily went to the salon in the morning as a blond and emerged as a brown bombshell! She made her dress and looked very much the self appointed bridesmaid! She spent the first part of the wedding demanding that someone hold the other four poles of the Chuppa. Then she recorded the ceremony...while holding the chuppa pole. She rocks. 


She also helped me get dressed and tied the bow in the back of my dress in a very mer chevron. Of course all of this was after I got pretty.

And after my Mom got pretty too. I spent the wedding floating and dancing and laughing and smiling. Emmy organized and was the video and photo team. Mom was the family representative with tears in her eyes. 

We made it home from the salon in time to catch the SUV limo we had arranged. If you need a ride up and then a ride home without the cost in between, call them: http://royalluxurylimoservice.com/.
Candie was our amazing driver (you can ask for her) and she told us to pop the champagne on the way up. So we did. This was in so many ways a spiritual night, but we were determined to have fun with it all. We managed both. More to come. 

Wedding!!!

Rather than lots of words, I will be posting lots of pictures and video. We had a magic evening in Evergreen. I could not stop smiling, and guests laughed and sang and cried. it was wonderful. So very mermaid! Enjoy and PLEASE comment!!!

I am circling the groom...something I wrote about Elisa circles Ric   

The community gathers around us, while over head my brothers tallit ripples in the evening breeze

The shared cup

Go here to see more

The Mikvah blasts me out of the water

It is days before Ric and I stand under the chuppa, and a trip to the Mikvah on my to-do list. I actually thought that was all it was, a cool ritual to go through before the wedding. But what happened blew me out of the water. We went to the newer Aish Mikvah in Denver, which truly has a spa atmosphere. My first clue that this would be different were the wedding decorations on the door.

Honestly, until this point I have been treating this wedding as a fun adventure. Ric and I have been married 25 years, yes this is fun, but transformative? A rite of passage? A mystical ritual? Get real. The Mikvah proved me wrong.

I walked into a room full of wedding decorations, congratulation banners, and wedding candy. I was given the largest private preparation room, complete with a jacuzzi tub (with a small waterfall for effect), soft towels, a warm robe, fully stocked with beauty supplies. The instructions are to slowly and thoughtfully remove all my clothes, jewelry nail polish, and even my contacts, and to climb in the tub for at least 15 minutes. Soak. Relax. There is no rush. Afterwards I showered and washed my hair, and untangled it, pulled on the robe and told Vicky the shomeret (the mikvah attendant) that I was ready.  

The point is to be ready to have a spiritual experience. To have nothing that will separate me from the waters of the Mikvah. I have to admit that I was crying through parts of this. I have been to a Mikvah before, but just as an experience, not for a particular reason. Now I was spiritually preparing for my wedding to a Jewish man. And not with the kindness and care that a "new bride" receives.  

Somehow the Mikvah has gotten a bad rap in the liberal Jewish world and among feminists. The notion of becoming spiritually clean was interpreted as meaning that women are dirty. This is so very far from the truth and is not part of Jewish theology. Anytime we, women or men, are closer to death than to life we can loose our connection to G-d. We can create a veil that blocks us from the experience of being spiritually open and connected. During menses a woman is closer to death than life. During childbirth a woman is closer to death than life. We are offered a way to return to our spiritual self.  Immersion in the waters of the Mikvah.

I came into the Mikvah area and Sandy, my dear friend and Rabbi, and Vicky were there. They made sure that my preparations had been successful (turquoise polish off the toes? Check!) and helped me with a starting prayers. Then I stepped down into the warm clean water with tears in my eyes. I spread out my fingers and arms so that the water could touch every part of me, and went under the water, lifting my feet as I went. It took two tries before I mastered the art of being fully submerged (who know I was buoyant?). Then I stopped for a prayer. Then another "kosher dunk" and a prayer, and then one more time into the waters of the earth that cleanse us.

The waters of the mikvah mixed with my tears as something inside me opened. It was just this side of painful, almost like opening a window that has been painted shut but wants to open to the world. At the end Vicky told me that because I had performed this Mitzvah, this commandment, that that gates of heaven were open and Hashem was listening to me. She said that my prayer would have more power and told me to take the time in the water to pour out my heart. She and Sandy would do the same, because I had opened the gates for them too.

Another wave of tears rose from my heart as I offered up prayers of healing and hope and renewal and blessings for all those who touch my life. I asked for joy and laughter and courage and strength for friends, family and community. I prayed for peace and resiliency for Israel and the world. I prayed for Ric and I. If you are reading this, I probably prayed for you.

And then, like new born/reborn woman I climbed out of the pool and into the warm and welcoming robe and hugs of the women who had midwifed me through this process.

Wow. This is not your mother' Mikvah. This is not the a way to subjugate women. This is as deep and rich and moving as any sweat lodge I have ever attended...and much more nurturing. This is Miriam's well, the way of water for women.

What's with breaking the glass?

After all the prayers and blessings and sips of wine, the rabbi pronounces Ric and I married...again...Ric will stomp on a glass wrapped in cloth and break it, and the room will erupt in shots of "Mazel Tov." I should have known 25 years ago that we do this again. Ric missed the glass. OK, to be fair, my brother put the wine glass stem under Ric's foot, and Ric broke the stem, but not the glass. A little thing, a silly thing, but another oddity in that strange day.

This is a very old custom, at least 1000 years old, with layers of interpretation. There is a story in the Talmud about a rabbi breaking a goblet when his daughter's wedding was getting a bit too rowdy. This is a bit ironic since in modern weddings the breaking of glass is a signal to start the frivolities.

The first explanation I ever heard was that the breaking glass was a reminder of all the losses suffered by the Jewish people. Just as we remove drops of wine from our Passover glasses to diminish our joy in memory of the plagues and loss of Egyptian life, we remove a moment of joy from the wedding in memory of Jewish anguish through the centuries.

The shattered glass also represents a change that cannot be undone. We cannot mend the glass, it is forever changed. In the same way the bride and groom are forever changed by this ritual, this covenant, of marriage. In Jewish writings we find the covenants are "cut" in some way. At a circumcision the flesh is cut. At Sinai the tablets were smashed. At a wedding the glass is shattered to seal the promises.

OK, maybe there were some other mystical meanings, like frightening away demons with loud noises. There might be sexual connotations, such as making sure no one else can drink from this glass, or a release of sexual separation, or maybe a symbol of the groom's sexual prowess (I have to talk with Ric about this)

Whatever the spiritual, mystical or traditional meanings, the sound is a signal that the serious part of the wedding is over. It is time for laughter and fun. How odd that we only smashed the stem of a glass the last time, and how appropriate that we get a re-do of this ritual.

In case you are wondering, we might use an old wine glass of my grandmother's. All others in the set are broken because the glass is so thin. Rather than keep in on the shelf, or use it and know that it might break, we can use it to honor her memory under the chuppa.

Seven blessings

I have been to so many weddings full of speeches and poems and long wedding vows written by bride and groom, that it is a relief to let tradition take over. I don't have to plan this, I can just be part of it.

Under the chuppa, after all the circling is over, the bride and groom do not say much. There are two different wine blessings followed by wine sipping; on for the betrothal and one for that marriage vows. All I have to say is: Haray ata m'kudash lib'taba'at zu k'dat Moshe v'Yisrael (by this ring you are consecrated to me in accordance with the traditions of Moses and Israel. No long vows or promises, the ketubbah takes care of all that.

Ric and I do have tradition of blessings on Shabbat, and we thought we might add this to the ceremony. We do not sing, but use a blessing H'nach Yafah that is based on the song of songs. A bit more for us to say if we can get this memorized!

And then the seven blessings are recited, the sheva b'rachot. This is actually the core of a Jewish wedding, that element that while not legally required, is almost a cultural requisite. This is the part of the wedding that moves from the private...the vows between individuals...to the community. And of course for this to be a community celebration ten adult (13 or older) Jews need to be present. The marriage becomes a new thread in the tapestry of the Jewish community, adding to a changing the design.

These blessings can be sung by the rabbi or cantor, but there is also the tradition of honoring guests by asking them to read or change a blessing. This is what happened in Israel at my cousin's wedding. The slightly tipsy rabbi held out the mic to people around the chuppa to repeat the prayers. Ric almost got snagged....we fit in too well and looked like we could speak Hebrew I guess.

The blessing locate the bride and groom within Jewish time, history and theology. They echo some of the themes of Judaism: creation, Eden, Zion, Redemption, and Jerusalem. The bride and groom are a metaphor for the re-uniting of the G-d and the Shechinah, the masculine and feminine aspects of Hashem. This union then represents Jewish redemption, which is not an individual experience, but human experience. The people Israel find redemption, not the individual Jew. So a marriage, while it is a private contract, is a community experience. For a moment all those in attendance taste a bit of the redemption, a peaceful and lovely and blessed time and space.

By the way...there is a great book on all this stuff:
The New Jewish Wedding by Anita Diamant.

keystone celebration

Note to self...having a celebration before a wedding is a great idea. Cindy and Ric and I celebrated in Keystone. Every bride should take the time to hike and slide and hike some more, and hug some rocks, and drink wine

We had a wonderful time and walked and talked and walked and talked and walked and talked. We re-discovered the power of walking. In fact we have decided to write a book on walking, something along the lines of On The Loose:

 http://www.rennyrussell.com/books.html#ontheloose

Clearly we are still in the developmental stages of this and need to walk some more. Someone reflected that it looked like I would love to have a career based on walking and being outside. I had to laugh, because of course my first major was Forestry, which I switched out of into Geology. Walking outside. What a wonderful way to spend the day.

 Cindy and I read the intro to On the Loose, from my tattered old copy that goes on every back-packing trip, and both found our adventure muse. And so the plans for more sailing and a run at Disneyland and more hiking...wedding dress in tow of course...emerged. Life is a wild adventure, or at least it should be. Too often we view our life as if it is a melodrama instead of an adventure comedy. There is so very much to appreciate in my life, I am so incredibly blessed, that mis-adventures should be laughed at.

We talked about the ways that we blame G-d, or the universe or our karma for bad things and are angry yelling at the sky with a shaking fist "I do not deserve this!"
And yet, do we wake up in the morning and find that our soul is still in our body and that those we love are still on the planet and whisper "I don't deserve this blessing" with a sense of awe? Are we amazed that we have been gifted with sunsets and ocean waves, and safe airplane flights, and un-tainted food, and clean water and on and on?

We decided to commit to this. To blessings and laughter....and walking.

Circles of sacred space

 Wow...11 days and counting until I circle Ric under the Chuppa. I am about to have a teen dream fulfilled. While other little girls dreamed of wearing princess gowns at huge weddings, I clearly was thinking about mermaids. But in my later adolescence....OK twenty-something-ish...when I finally thought about weddings, I knew that I wanted to stand under a simple tallit chuppa.

 
I have to admit, turquoise silk billowing in the wind near the shore comes in a close second. But for all the spiritual reasons, I wanted just a tallit held on four poles, simple and open on all sides.
The chuppa reminds me of a summer tent with the side rolled up, welcoming the wind and any guests that might wander by. It is a symbol of hospitality, a Jewish virtue, in the way that Abraham and Sarah were hospitable to strangers.

It is said that that Shechinah, the feminine emanation of G-d is under every Chuppa, gracing the ritual with her presence. Joining the Shechinah are all the parents and grand-parents and great-grand parents who have passed over and now descend to join the celebration. So clearly the sides need to be open to accommodate the crowd. And clearly my father will be present.

There is a custom of being married outside, so that the chuppa is open to the skies, symbolizing the couple's intention to have a relationship that walks a spiritual path. The chuppa is a statement that even though the marriage is between only two people, this household is a spiritual dwelling that is part of a larger community.

Once we are under the chuppa, I will walk clockwise around Ric seven times. This is a very old custom that represents the divine process of creation (seven days of creation). By circling the groom, the Kallah (me) creates sacred space for the marriage, one in which the bride and groom can protect each other. One in which each person can take responsibility to engage in a spiritual relationship with each other and with G-d. 

Then the betrothal ceremony begins. First we are betrothed and then married. Ric gives me a ring (did I mention he bought me a new one?) of solid metal with no stones or writing. The ring is another circle, another symbol of sacred space. Stones and words can deceive but a plain gold is a clear gift of value.

So sacred circles under sacred space, round and round, tying the couple closer and closer to each other and to a spiritual journey.

Veil

All the bits and pieces are coming together amazingly well.
I have the dress and veil at home...but the big reveal will have to wait until the wedding day. Sharon the amazing seamstress adjusted the dress, made my veil and added some bling to the sash, all for less than alterations would have cost at a big store. Veils are MUCH cheaper to make and a seamstress can make one that actually fits and has lots of bling on it for much less money.

The Jewish veil has to have a "blusher" or front veil for the bedeken ceremony, when the groom looks at the bride and then covers her face with the veil. The tradition of the bedeken ceremony arose because when the biblical Jacob, about to marry his chosen bride, Rachel, he was tricked by Rachel's father, Laban, into marrying Rachel's older sister, Leah. Laban concealed Leah's identity with an opaque veil. For this reason the groom must personally lower the veil of his bride to cover her face prior to the ceremony. http://www.chabad.org/library/article_cdo/aid/313719/jewish/The-Veiling-Ceremony-Bedeken.htm

There are several other biblical and kabbalistic  interpretations of this ceremony, all of which suggest something about the nature of marriage. The veil indicates that the women is married, a station that demanded respect in biblical times. A veil also connotes separateness and an almost other-worldliness. The bride is now set aside, not only from other men, but in a similar fashion to the sacred and sanctified elements of the temple. A veil also teaches that "the glory of the princess is the interior" focusing the attention on the inner qualities of soul and character rather than on the face of the bride. Beauty may fade with time, but a woman's spiritual qualities are something she keeps forever.  


My favorite interpretation, however is a bit more esoteric. In the biblical story of Rebecca and Issac, Rebecca veils herself when she see Issac. In this sense her veil symbolizes that she was a private person, a self-confident individual who would not be easily compromised by the thoughts of others. After all, it is Rebecca who assures that Jacob receives the patriarchal blessing rather then Esau. Her veil is a symbol of her capacity to be both a wife and a powerful individual.

Ric and I have been married for 25 years. I am sure he has noticed my strong streak of independence by now. Perhaps the veiling ceremony for us is an acknowledgement of accepting each other as we are. We are both independent, and at the same time committed to common dreams. We have outside lives, but have a shared life that is not open to others. So the veil simultaneously separates and connects, marking us as individuals and as a couple, two people in relationship with G-d, with self and with each other.


  

Count down to Wedding

Even though it seems that almost everything is done, there are still so many little details. The most important elements at this point are chats with the two rabbis to make sure that all the ritual elements are in place, and that Ric and I understand what is happening from both a Halachic (legal) and a Kabbalistic (mystical) aspect. A Jewish wedding includes both a betrothal ritual and the marriage itself and  since our wedding is being held on Saturday evening, the first ritual is Havdalah.

This is one of the most mystical and beautiful rituals in the Jewish tradition, and one that we can celebrate every week after sundown on Saturday night. The Jewish sabbath, or Shabbat, starts at sundown Friday night and runs through sundown Saturday. This is the most sacred time of the Jewish week. There is a saying that "more than Israel has kept Shabbat, the Shabbat has kept Israel". http://www.bje.org.au/learning/judaism/holydays/shabbat/index.html

We mark the beginning and end of Shabbat with candles and prayers. This is a beautiful and moving ritual that differentiates Shabbat from the rest of the week; the sacred from the mundane. We are leaving the joy of Shabbat and returning to the world with a braided candle, spices, wine and moving song,   havdalah music  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SruOp9NZUVs

In the same way that havdalah separates and differentiates the holy from the material, it also reminds a bride and groom to distinguish between our projections and reality. Reb Jamie reminded Ric and I that during our 25 years of marriage we have probably built up images of each other based on our needs and wants and wounds. Havdalah reminds us to differentiate between these projections and the reality of the person we are marrying. He referred to this a "powerful seeing" and encouraged us to use this trip to the chuppa as a way to see and experience each other in new and powerful ways.

I really started this journey as a bit of a lark. I was feeling too profoundly appropriate and well behaved. There was little to no adventure and clearly not enough laughter in my life. But the lark has turned into a deeply spiritual adventure, full of mentors and guides and mystical messages and.....well....mermaids.

Maybe that is another part of Havdalah, it differentiates what I think I want from what I really need.

17 days and counting

I am sure everyone runs into this problem. An event is scheduled and life creeps in and schedules around it. Sort of like my outlook calendar. So...a quick update on the status of life, the wedding, and the spiral of time.

Twenty-five years ago, give or take, we had an almost 14 year old and an almost 17 year old at our wedding. This week we have one daughter from each of those (now) women visiting us, and yes they are almost 14 and almost 17. We seem to be spirialing through time and revisiting the many elements of the last wedding. How Jewish.

One Jewish view of time is that it is circular, and that events leave a mark on time. We celebrate holy days on a specific day, because that day holds the memory of the event or the commandment. So Shabbat is different than the rest of the week, not because we celebrate from Friday to Saturday, but because the time between sundown Friday and sundown Saturday is different. These hours have been marked, changed, altered, transformed into a scared time period.

So as Ric and I circle around to a wedding we are meeting the many elements that we met the first time, from funerals to teenagers. And joyfully a sense of renewed love. I just found out he even bought me a new ring to use in the ritual.

But still, does that mean that our wedding marked time? And what about our decision to move our anniversary to Halloween all those years ago...did the party we held mark time? Or has Jewish time been waiting for this wedding? What a thought...time knew that we would eventually have a Jewish wedding and waited for us...perhaps even nudged us forward into the right time. The second of Av.

So of course, one of the questions is, when do we celebrate each year...when will time sing a love song to us? Please vote in the poll on the left.

Women mentoring brides

Over the weekend I had the honor of attending a wonderful shower for a lovely bride, Emily. Her wedding is in August in Snowmass/Aspen. The focus of the afternoon was a bit more creative than usual. We were all asked to bring something that we could put into a scrapbook, perhaps a recipe or poem or picture memories.

The house was decorated with balloons, the kitchen was full of food, and there was everything and anything to drink. But people were gathered around the work tables using all the scrapbook tools and paraphernalia to create pages full of love and wisdom and laughter. The bride wandered around and talked with friends and family, and the many women who fit into both categories. The room was full of the sound of clipping, rustling, and laughter. Oh, and the occasional "pop" of champagne.

Many of us have had showers, joyous present opening parties, with the focus all on us. Two of my mom's friends, Gerry and Pola gave me an amazing shower years ago, for which I am still grateful. Lots of family, my one California girlfriend, who we found out that day was connected to me through married cousins, and champagne. Lots of gifts. Lots of love during a difficult time in my life.

There is no specific Jewish custom for bridal showers, but the custom in general seems to have started with the need for a dowry. If a father (in any culture) refused to provide a dowry for his daughter, for whatever reason, which prevented her from being able to marry, the women would bring gifts to build the dowry. The gifts from the family and friends would enable the young woman to marry and build a life and future. Wow...the first mentors. And the first aid society run by early feminists.

As the afternoon craft session came to a close, Emily's bridesmaids toasted her with words of love and joy and support. Of course. What came next was so indicative of the Emily, a truly amazing young women. She thanked family and friends for coming, but more importantly she thanked everyone in the room for being a mentor over the years. She said that the true gift she had received was the love and support and guidance from this room full of women, each who shared unique gifts. A room of mentors who helped her spread her wings and fly.

She does not need a physical dowry, but had over the years built a spirutal and energectic dowry; a hope chest full of love and wisdom and laughter and tears and support from the women around her. Wow again.

I hope I lived up in some way to her thanks. I hope over the years I have shared enough, been present enough, gifted enough, and been wise enough, to add to the hope chest of the young women around me. And the young at heart women around me.

I hope you have too. Can you share the ways you have?