Honoring

I am not really sure how to best honor those who have gone into that good night, that dark night that we hope is a doorway to light. In Jewish tradition we light a candle and say a prayer on the anniversary of their passing. But that ritual, while comforting, does not seem to build a legacy, or add meaning, or celebrate the richness of a life.

So, another Jewish tradition is to do something, to take on a Mitzvah (commandment) or to pledge something in their name. This is known as an "allyah for the person's Nashama" a raising up of their soul. 

And so last week, in honor of a woman who I meet over cough drops in an anthropology course when I was 17, I pirated the Colfax 10 mile run. I signed up and donated in her honor to a charity and picked up my packet. But late in the night when I should have been resting for the early morning run, I realized that running with over 10,000 strangers was no way to remember her. I needed to do something to make her laugh, which she did often and freely. 

So, with my T-shirt and bib I ran the miles at home, after a leisurely cup of coffee. No fighting traffic and searching for parking...no long lines at the port-a-potties...no stampede of well trained feet pushing to get in front. Just me and the sky and the wind and the mountains and my memories of a life well lived.

I miss you Gina, and I pledge to light a candle for you each year. But more importantly I pledge to remember our private jokes and to continue to laugh at rich-people-dressing-badly as we always did. Oh, and the rich-people-designing-badly. And the graphic designers who love to use light green on menus to be read in dim restaurants. And all the other ways we found humor in the confusion of life. 

I honor you with my laughter and my tears and a private run each year.  My your name be a blessing. Amen. 

So what happens when a Pirate meets a Harley? Love? Wild joy? Dreams of freedom? Yep.

This was a trip to a serious academic meeting at Marquette University in Milwaukee. The topics were serious, the attendees did not quite understand "business casual" and the conversations were full of multi-syllabic words. I took notes and tried to look like a Dean in my turquoise scarves and boots.

And then we took a break and had a private tour of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle museum where I found my favorite colors and inspiration for another life adventure. The story of Harley is amazing. Success followed by failure followed by success over and over again, with the company re-inventing itself  with every cycle. 

The last exhibit is a motorcycle recovered in Canada after the tsunami in Japan. Harley found the owner and offered to replace it, but the owner said no, I will be like a blade of grass standing in a mowed field. Put it in the museum to people remember that together we can be strong and recover. Wow. Somehow I did not expect such inspiration from motorcycles

And at the very end of the museum were the motorcycle we could try out. Right color, right size, and not a bad price. I texted my husband who told me to pull out my credit card and ride it home...to Colorado. In the rain. Alone. 

Tempting...a wild road trip through the wilds of the US on a bike looking like a female Steve McQueen escaping from the repressive academic regime, or at least from the trauma drama of being a Jewish dean in a Jesuit institution in the middle of radical transition. From trying to be a good daughter and "honoring my parents" by making sure my passive-aggressive mother is warm and safe and dry. From helping random family members who seem to thrive on dramatic overtures worthy of a Don Giovanni finale. Or perhaps just the regularity and predictability of stability. Or just maybe because I still have adventures inside of me calling out for expression. Maybe. Probably. 

I know that the sense of wonder that comes from wildness and wilderness and feeling G-d's touch is still out there and in my. And I know that I am in hot pursuit. 

 

On the path again

Life and I have been dancing to a fugue in E minor, repeating themes rising to haunt me and then retreating into darkness. And the darkness calls to me, reminding how great longing challenges us to surrender to path before us. 

I have to admit I wondered if I could feel that depth of longing again, the craving that led me to spiritual adventures deep in wild forests. Could I find the clearing in the tumble and tangle of daily life to yearn so deeply I thought i would tear in two? Or had I left that behind as I lifted the responsibilities of jobs and family and commitments? 
  
For the past several months the answer has been inserting itself in such odd places. While lifting weights or running a 1/2 marathon I can see a world full of options before me. I can choose to leave or to stay, i can run away or embrace. i can move toward something as soon as I move away from illusions and scars that never did really define me.
My family often told me i would "out-grow" my craving for life and my longing for the touch of G-d on my heart. They said the fire that drove me would be tamed and my wildness would be trimmed. And i wold be safe so they would not be frightened. 

But yesterday, for no reason, without fan-fare or fuss, there it was, that deep hollow in my heart that called and chanted and sang and drummed and danced and whispered. That still small voice invited me back on the journey. Without an fuss. Without any rules. Just a door that opened before me, a wind that blew through me, a scent that captivated me, and a sense that this journey has been waiting for me all along. And i am beyond delighted.   

#adventure60

So I don't have a great deal to say here, except that I just turned 60 and barely have time to blog! This year is going to be one of great adventure and I hope the dress that keep up. 

Someone asked why I was so wildly happy about this birthday, and I guess I have to say that after almost dying several times, and three major surgeries, that fact that I am still here and still a bit wild is beyond wonderful.

My staff filled my office with balloons and the surprised me with a Jimmy Buffet style party. The wedding dress joined in and we had a great time! So while I do not have much to say in this post, I am on #adventure60 for the rest of the year. Check me on twitter at shssdean and join the fun. We can make everyday wild and fun and full of powerful magical moments if we choose to. Or we can live lives of quiet desperation. For this 60 year old Aquarian...the choice is clear. Stay tuned. 

We start again 2015

 Did you get one of those Christmas letters this year that sounded like a resume for the perfect family? You know, that one talking about the twins going to Harvard, the family vacation to save a small country, and the numerous awards for saving humankind from annihilation followed by a vacation in a newly minted country. After reading several of those I actually thought about writing my own, but it would sound like a badly written soap opera. Really.

I actually wrote a short letter to several friends detailing the family, friend, work and life issues that filled my last few months. After receiving a number of OMG type responses, and getting a good laugh out of the experience, I decided to change my focus. I might have to deal with drama, but I still could fill my life with laughter and adventures and, yes, wedding dresses! So welcome to the year of my 60th birthday year of the wedding dress. 

This year I want wild and amazing memories...lots of them. I want to go swimming with a mermaid tail and hike somewhere new and mysterious. I want to challenge myself to let go of things that drag me down and spend a year soaring. I want to sail into the sunset or sunrise with the wind filling my sails.

And yes I want to do my job well and be a leader that people are proud to work with. And yes, I intend to grow spiritually and take care of people I love. But I want to learn and laugh and push my limits just for the joy of it. I want to learn Hebrew, even if I need to take time off to do it!

So let's start with some truths. It is difficult to have full-time big job and still take care of a life. We might be able to have it all, but not at the same time. Somethings I have to do and make myself enjoy them, like lifting weights. I am watching my mom age and watching her life choices catch up with her...and taking note for my own future. I need to:
 Stay strong
Stay flexible
Embrace new challenges
Eat and sleep and exercise as if my future depends on it...because it does.
 

I know that issues I do not resolve will come back to haunt me over and over and over again. I have to face my own inner creepiness and staleness and fear and anger and losses and left over issues...and resolve them.
And move on into the world of possibliities.

Stay tuned...this is going to be good!