Inner Adventuress

The year 2013 will be, whether I like it or not, a year of adventures. Some of them will be planned, but many will not be. Life will just show up and present me with opportunities to live out my inner drama queen or my inner adventuress. 

Since the new year is just days away, I thought a resolution might be in order. Of course, being the nerdy academic that I am, I decided to back this up with some research into what makes us shift into adventuress mode. What makes me respond to an opportunity with an adventure attitude, and how do I "bottle" that to use in the face of the wild ride life takes me on?

How do I look at at the wind, and see the possibilities, rather than down at shore and the dangers? 

After a short bit of research, here are some first thoughts.
An adventure is something that I can feel is a worthy goal, something that I can invest energy into and bring my best self to. This helps me see an issue as simply an "issue" to resolve or a understand that it is an opportunity and a grand adventure to engage in that reflects the way that I move through the world.

Since adventures have uncertain outcomes and can be challenging, I need to build up my tolerance for ambiguity and a bit of adversity. Perhaps delayed gratification is a better term. Anything worthy of the title of "adventure" takes a bit of effort and work and commitment. 

And an attitude of friendship. I choose not to bond over dramatic histrionics. I choose to bond over adventures, no matter how small. This might be the inner adventuress creed, no adventure is too small to enjoy, or too big to become a trauma drama.

More to follow....but I invite you to join me...and the wedding dress... in 2013 to explore your inner adventuress. Let me know how I can inspire you. 

Winter blessings

I do love this time of year, even if I am freezing half the time. While there is a part of my soul that wants to live where the weather fits my flip-flops year round, December does seem made for cold and snow. When the temperature dips into the single digits (it was 2 degrees this morning) many analogies become real. The snow is cold enough to squeak when walked on. The air is crisp enough to make the inside of my nose tingle. The world is quiet, sound muffled by the layer of snow on the ground and the flakes in the air. I do feel grateful for warm clothes and a fire place and hot drinks. And the world does look clean and new under this blanket of white.

In fact the weather makes me feel very alive, especially when I leave the comfort of the warm house. The darkest day of the year has passed, and we can step into a world that is filling with light again. The cold is invigorating and encourages me to move quickly. How can I be anything but grateful?

There is a Jewish tradition of saying 100 blessings a day, starting with blessings of thanks for awakening in the morning, for having a body of amazing design, for the purity of our souls which are renewed daily, and for all the beauty and abundance in the world around us. We only need to look at the wondrous working of our own body, or the brilliance in the world around us to appreciate the many gifts we have been given. This is a lesson I have taken to heart this year, attempting to have "thank you" be the first words out of my mouth in the morning, and the final ones I say at night.

A new wedding, a new dress, and  new perspective, one of thanksgiving every day. Rather than wishing the cold away so that I can return to summer sports, I am giving thanks for it. Rather than wishing vacations would last longer, I am giving thanks that I am lucky enough to have days to spend in the manner I wish. Rather than wishing the next adventure would arrive, I am giving thanks for anticipation and the fun of planning.

Maybe this is one of the gifts of having adventures, that time in between to remember, reflect and to plan ahead! The pauses, like in music, are the empty spaces that make the notes sing. This time in between, when I can say thank you for having a job, when I can enjoy looking ahead, is a time of resonance. A time for my soul to catch up with the song of my life. 

Chanukah

Chanukah begins on the night of the 25th of Kislev every year. This night does not always fall near the winter solstice but it does fall during the darkest time of the year. Because the Jewish calendar is a moon calendar that is corrected every few years to align with the Roman calendar, all Jewish holidays seem to move around. The word Chanukah actually means dedication, as in re-dedication of the temple after it was taken back from the Hellenistic rulers and soldiers. This was a war against assimilation,  that reminds us to remember who we are, to stay the course in spite of the siren songs around us. 

How funny that this minor Jewish holiday that happens to fall close to Christmas every year has some how taken on some odd significance in the modern world. It has been assimilated. So to set the record straight, there is no Chanukah Harry, or Chanukah bush, or a tradition of a large gift every night. This is not a holiday celebrating peace, rather it commemorates winning a small war. There is a tradition of lighting candles, one for each night, eating fried food, and playing dreidle. 

Here is a bit more information: Chanukah NOT the Jewish Xmas

It is a holiday about a miracle, but in typical Jewish fashion we are not sure what the miracle is. Is it that a small band of individuals were willing to stand up against the majority voices at great personal risk? Is it that this small group won against the larger force? We always hear that the miracle is that the oil for the ner tamid, the sacred light, lasted 8 days, but I wonder if the great miracle was knowing there was not enough oil but lighting the lamp anyway. Or is the miracle that we still remember an uprising in a distant part of the world that happened over two thousand years ago? Or that are still Jews around to celebrate?

I love this holiday. The light increases each night as we light one more candle until we light all 8 (plus the shamesh) on the final night. We have a menorah for each family member, including Shiloh, so the house seems full of light. The first night we were having so much fun that we burned the latkes...but that was part of the fun. This is an easy holiday, one that wraps around me and reminds me that sometimes we have to stand up for what we believe. And that having that courage is a miracle.

I wish you joy in whatever you choose to celebrate, or not celebrate, this season.

outgoing women

I have been thinking more and more about women and adventures. We are told in so many subtle, and not so subtle ways that the world is a dangerous place for women, and the trouble will follow if we venture in the unknown. We have many stories about men and boys having adventures, but girls are usually in a supporting role. Some stories start with the trouble that is raised when women head out of the boundaries that her family and culture has set. 

But the trouble is not the adventure, the trouble is on the woman trying her wings, the trouble starts when we are prevented from exploring and following our hearts. This is a woman's way of being a light in the world, by first being a light to herself. We are that light when we listen to our hearts and reach beyond our limits, when we reach to our heart's desire. Dorothy ended her story by saying that her heart's desire must be in her own backyard, but really, it was the adventure to OZ that her heart craved. Without this adventure she would not understand what is was to live. Alice had to go down the rabbit hole to understand her power.  It is the adventure that makes us strong.

There is a Cheyenne saying that tells us the importance of women. It is said that "A nation is not conquered until the hearts of its women are on the ground. Then it is done, no matter how brave its warriors nor how strong its weapons." When women are trapped, unable to listen to their hearts, unable to reach deep into their souls and awaken the dreams that sleep there, the nation is conquered. When women cannot touch the stars, the stars will go out. 

It is outgoing women who change the world. 

Outgoing women

The best of times

On the final day of sailing I felt comfortable enough and courageous enough to skipper the boat dressed in white. I pulled on my mermaid wedding dress and celebrated facing my fears and embracing my dream.

Wow, who knew a wedding dress could be so motivating? Would I have planned so many adventures this year if I did not have a wedding dress to travel with? Maybe that is all we need, an inspiration. 

I had a friend who climbed mountains with a pink plastic flamingo. She took pictures of "pink" in wonderful places and scary places. My friend said that she was never alone, since pink was always at her side. This sounds like the imaginary dog I had as in Arizona and in Santa Barbara....my imaginary protector who traveled everywhere with me. Her name was Shiloh and she was very large. Hmm, I see a pattern here. 

So my parsha is about traveling, but not alone. It is about each of us traveling in a group, a community, with friends and support. We each have to be brave enough to take our own steps forward, to walk into the sea as it splits, to leave our own narrow place behind. But we are surrounded by others who are facing their own fears and taking their own steps. Where I am brave, my friend might be fearful. Together we can step forward. 

Miriam danced at the edge of the sea, but she was surrounded by other women. She lead them in song, but they joined it. Maybe this is the way to build our inner adventuress, to set her free to follow her dreams. We need something that inspires us and helps us realize that we are not alone. It can be a pink flamingo or a mermaid wedding dress or a favorite teddy bear or a good book, or maybe a bucket list. 

We are such interesting creatures, full of dreams fueled by an unquenchable curiosity.  At the same time we have brains wired to prevent loss and to protect ourselves. We long for freedom and we build community. We are clearly dichotomous and paradoxical beings.

And that is part of the story of Bo, my parsha. We crave freedom and are fearful of choosing it. We will fight to go, but then must be told it is time to leave. We wish to fly but must be pushed out of the nest. Even when we suspect that the reward is larger and more powerful than we can imagine. 

So what do you need to inspire and motivate you? I have wedding dress and a parsha. And the wind in my hair and the sound of the sails. Oh...and a few mermaid friends. 

Setting Sail

Much like worshipers in other faiths, Jews read a different chapter of Torah each week. Since there is a regular pattern, we can track back to our birthday and find the parsha, or portion, that was being read during the week we were born. Some people read this parsha when looking for inspiration or guidance. Use this website: Jewish birthday to find your birthday on the Jewish calendar and what parsha was
being read. 
Judaism is about faith as a journey. The work Hebrew, in 
Hebrew is Ivrit which means to cross over, as in crossing a river. Or to wander. Or to journey over and across. Our souls long to move. 

My birth parsha is Bo, which is the parsha in which Moses leads the Israelites out of Egypt. It is the parsha of a sudden departure after the amazing gift of freedom. There is more to it, but this parsha captures the notion of Judaism as a journey, one from a narrow space to a wide space. 

So maybe this is why I have always, as in always, wanted to run away to sea, to live on a sailboat, and have been obsessed with mermaids. 
Buried in this craving to wander the sea however, is the fear that I will not have the skill or ability to sail. That I will turtle the boat in the first gust of wind. Just like in Bo freedom is linked to fear. The Israelites have been slaves and now have to learn how to be free, and the prospect is terrifying. 

So I decided it was time to leave the narrow place of my fears and explore the freedom of sailing. Ric, my friend Cindy, and the wedding dress, and I headed to San Diego for 5 days of sailing lessons. I knew it was the right place when we walked up to the Kona Kai marina and saw the gates...mermaids! We had to stop and dance with them.

The boat is 40 feet and equipped with two master suites, a kitchen and living area. Plenty of room for three people to spread out for four days, learn to sail and take several written tests.

We headed to the showers on shore every morning, and returned to our lovely floating home, through the mermaid gates, and out to sea for our adventure. 
Maybe that is the message of my parsha, have adventures even if they are a bit scary. Take a chance when adventure knocks and welcome the chance to learn something new. Let the fear of staying in the narrow space chase you into the wide, open, unknown. 

And then love every minute of the experience. We sailed for three days straight....and then on the fourth we pulled out the wedding dress. 

Why we love Halloween

So instead of taking the wedding dress on a trip, we decided to let it celebrate Halloween. This was my favorite holiday for years and years. As a child I would spend a month  planning decorations and costumes. Fall was, and is, my favorite season...and this is the best holiday of fall. 

This year was fun. We handed out candy at work and at home, and tried to explain the process to the newfy (yes kids come to the door, we do not scare them and we give them candy).  We carved pumpkins and cooked the seeds. We laughed about how fun it was to run around in the dark as kids.

This was the closest I ever came to having a religious experience as a child. Halloween comes with rituals and rites of passage that filled me with a sense of overwhelming joy and wonder. I was old enough to run around in the dark dressed in some magical way. The neighborhood  looked different and I felt full of wonder. 

Compare that to what I experienced within my religion. My grandmother made sure that I knew that everything was silly...rabbis were stupid people who made stupid rules for other stupid people. There was no point to any of the rituals or prayers or rites of passage. I asked for a Bat Mitzvah and was told I would have sweet 16. I wanted to learn Hebrew and was told to learn Yiddish, but of course was not taught. I was taken to a few services so that I would not feel strange in temple, but at some point that stopped too. And of course no one told me what was going on in the service, and there was usually a lecture on how silly it all was later.
 Holy days were not holy. They were opportunities for lectures that I tried to hide from. I found ways to crawl inside my head and shut out the loud voices around me. I knew there was more to these days, but I had no way to find it. Even though I longed for something deeper. Even though the voices called me, enticing and inviting me to touch a connection to G-d. But I did not have the language to understand the message.

And so I was left with Halloween and witches and tarot cards and astrology and a belief in magic. I was left to search for an experience of G-d somewhere other than in my faith. Halloween worked. Pagan rituals in the moonlight worked....for a while. 

Maybe that is why so many children and adults have fallen in love with the night. We all need a sense of wonder in our lives, a time to feel profoundly alive. What better way than to try on a new identity in the dark of night. To feel free from the restrictions of real life. To touch the unknown and to survive. 

So this journey is more than just a fun wedding, more than a journey with a dress. It is spiritual journey. A journey to dig deep and find more meaning, and to sink deeply into my own religion same way that I used to sink into Halloween. Prayers that have meaning, rituals that embrace me, rites of passage that change me. Like a chuppa or a mikvah, or a tallit, or a year of Jewish holy days. I still do love Halloween, but really, the year of Jewish holy days beats out this one fun holiday. 

Changing Holidays to Holy days

 I missed one of my new favorite holidays this year...Simchat Torah...because I was out of town. On this day we complete our reading of the Torah and IMMEDIATELY start reading it again. The only way to do this is to unroll the entire Torah  which requires many careful hands. We tenderly hold the parchment, which is a thin material made from hide, sometimes calfskin, sheepskin or goatskin. The words have been hand written by a scribe.   

 Some of these are hundreds of years old and have been saved from war torn nations or from places they were hidden during the holocaust. We unwind the Torah, putting the end next to the beginning and then read the last words and the first words. We have met the commandment of always reading Torah.
Then we roll the scroll back up so that we can open to Genesis, dress the Torah back in her garments, and then we dance.

 We say some prayers, play some music and pass the Torah around as we dance with her. We twirl and spin and laugh and renew our spirits. Dance and laughter become holy, and we remember the pathway to holiness as individuals and a community.

A ritual turns the holiday into a holy day. And this is what I am discovering on my journey. It is the immersion in the ritual that makes it and me holy. In the same way that I immersed myself in the mikvah, I can dive deeply into the prayers and songs and symbols and rituals and turn a holiday into a holy day. I can turn off my mind and let my heart dance and let the experiences sing to me and change me.

Tomorrow is Halloween, which used to be my favorite holiday. The wedding dress is going to help me hand out candy as I reflect on holidays and holy days. 

New Job in my new life

Fall is the time for new beginnings in my life, perhaps because the Jewish holy days focus on re-a-tune-ment and realignment and return. Perhaps because it is my favorite season, one full of a certain quality of light and beautiful colors. Perhaps it is because schools starts in the fall. It is the season of walking and changing. So how fitting that this season should be marked by a new job.

A couple weeks ago I was offered the position of
Dean of the school of Humanities and Social Sciences at Regis University. 
It is my third Dean position; my first was at Rocky Mountain College of Art and Design, the second at the Community College of Denver, and this is the third.

 I came to Regis in part due to the mission which, while it is Jesuit, reflects Jewish themes, especially the notion that learning brings us closer to G-d. How appropriate for this year of discovery through my wedding dress journey. Learning about my own spiritual journey, my own sense of 
meaning and purpose, and learning about my own strengths and challenges deepens my connection to G-d. 

And all of this is grounded in Shabbat, my weekly anchor. The great Zionist, thinker and ideologue Ahad Ha'am is quoted as saying, "More than Jews have kept shabbat, Shabbat has kept the Jews." The Jewish notion of time is that time is a spiral that is marked by the sacredness of Shabbat. We are welcoming this time, embracing this time, because it is truly different. That hours between sundown Friday and Saturday are sacred. We have an extra soul, an extra dose of holiness, an easier connection to the divine. We are closer to G-d and closer to our true self. 


What does this have to do with my wedding journey? Shabbat becomes a Chuppah each week, a holy place to return to, a sacred space in time to renew my marriage and soul. Each Friday I can set the table, straighten the house, prepared the candles, bread and wine, and yes, cover my head, as a way to re-create the moment of prayer and promise under the chuppah. 

Why a chuppah? This is a great youtube talk about the way a chuppah starts a Jewish marriage with a lesson of sacred space why a chuppah?

And what is the wedding dress up to? Just wait...Halloween is coming!

Sukkot

 When Ric converted he built me a sukkah for the holiday of Sukkot...the first one I have ever had. My family was not observant and I had never even see an sukkah, or knew what it was for. But this is holiday that I have now fallen in love with, a holiday for sitting outside in the fall weather in a small booth open on one side with a roof through which the stars can be seen.

Well this year Ric was busy so we resorted to pop-up version...our tent. Not quite as comfy, but still fulfilled the commandment. And the newfy loved it since she could actually fit inside with us. We had a few friends over, another first for us.

This holiday is a statement that we are safe, even when our roof is not solid and our walls are not completed. We are safe in the world under the stars. If the weather is cold we can warm ourselves with food and wine and the joy of friends. If the weather is warm we can bask in the fall light and colors.

Another part of the holiday inovles a lulav and etrog (also knows as a citron). The plam, willow and myrtle, along with the etrog must be ordered from Israel in time for the holiday. I ordered in plenty of time, but somehow my lulav traveled from Israel to New York to Los Angeles to Colorado.....and on to Kansas where it ended up in the fraud department. Calls to UPS confirmed that my shipment was in Kansas. So I called the fraud division there and was told that yes my package was there. That was it, they would tell me nothing more, not even why it was there or what would happen next. I asked if they kept it until the end of the Holocene, or until the next ice age, or if they tossed it into a volcano as a sacrafice. No laughter and no answer.

Clearly I needed some sort of intervention. After repeated phone calls and questions (I even asked why they bothered to answer the phone since they could not tell me anything) I was told that my package had been lost and now...miraculously...had been found and was on its way to Colorado. It still had my name and tracking number on it, and they knew where it was, but now it was found. Sigh. The etrog and palm arrived fresh and intact, but Kansas had been too much for the myrtle and willow, so Ric and I had to substitute Colorado versions. We used it even as the leaves were drying and shedding around us.   

On the wonderful last day of sukkot we were invited to a Sukkahpolooza at a friend's house and were able to eat outside near a Colorado outdoor fireplace and flame heater that Ric called the tower of flame. We brought the etrog and shedding lulav and let anyone who wanted to shake it to the seven directions and offer up thanks and prayers. We left leaves in all directions.

Nope, no wedding dress....but don't worry...it is on the road again soon.

Recovering from Yom Kippur

Yom Kippur wrapped me in wings of change, in the same way that my tallit wraps me in a sacred space for prayer. My planning was a bit off going into this 25 hour fast. I was running late from work so I had a small meal at the end of a day that had included a small salad for lunch. We headed up to Kol Nidre, and I was hungry when I came home.
I was hungry and thirsty when I awoke and headed to prayers, and beyond nervous.

In a fit of craziness, or perhaps just the inability to say no quickly,I had agreed to chant Torah on Yom Kippur. My Hebrew is still rough and I cannot sing, and here I was about to sing in Hebrew in front of a very musical congregation. While hungry and thirsty. The short version of the story is that I managed to pronounce all the words correctly and only slightly lost the correct trope. What a rush.

And then the morning was over and a few of us set off for a short walk in Elk Meadows. Short and easy being the important word. It was neither...nor was it dry. Half way through what turned into a 5 mile walk the rain and hail started. We made sure to keep pace with the slowest hiker, and in the end a few of us ran ahead and grabbed a car to come back and fetch the last tow. Did I mention I was hungry and thirsty and now wet?

Luckily I always take spare clothes with me and was able to head into the final round of prayers in dry clothes. But I was struggling. It is traditional to stand as much as possible in the afternoon, yes while hungry and thirsty. Usually my body has moved passed the hunger, but not this year. I found myself physically struggling, which in some odd way pushed me deeper into prayer. The more my body ached the further I traveled on the pathway to t'shuva, the return. Hmmm, maybe this was part of the plan, a way to induce a more prayerful state.

What does this have to do with a wedding dress? Renewal, return, a commitment to a spiritual journey, a connection to G-d. The people Israel are often referred to as the bride, as is Shabbat, and at times as is the Torah. We are the bride in a relationship with the divine. And this year I am a bride exploring my deepest connection, the Jewish halachah...and way...the walk...the spiritual journey that leads from weddings to hats to chanting in public....and on to even more adventures.

Golden Fall

 On the second day of Rosh Hashanah (RH) Ric and I took the dress to places in Golden we talked about using for the wedding. Fall is just starting down in Golden, so the day was warm and the leaves had just started to change. I wanted to have some fun the glorious weather, so we played around on the bridge and with the statutes. I needed this little bit of time after the wonderful prayers of Rosh Hashanah (RH) and before the ritual of Taslich.

Truly, I could never leave Colorado in the Fall. Even for an amazing job. Even for the sea. But for some reason I do keep trying to leave.

The past two years have been full of seeking and not finding. I came in second for several wonderful jobs in different places, explored new career paths, and watched doors close in my face. This year I vowed to stop looking at the closed doors, to turn around and look at the vast open amazing world around me. I bought airplane tickets and visited friends and family. I hiked and sailed and studied and tried new things, and had a new wedding. I realized that my gypsy soul could soar without moving to a new place. 

And now I am in season of reflection, a moment in time for looking at the past, the present and the future touching in time and space and my heart. RH is the Jewish New Year, and a time for profound reflection since this holiday is the precursor for Yom Kippur, the day of Atonement.   

And this year my Father's Yortzite, the anniversary of his death, fell on RH, near the date of our first wedding. How appropriate that we are re-doing our experience in the year that mirrors the first wedding. I cried as I said the prayers for his yortzite in temple, wished I could hug him and hear his voice one more time. But I guess we all wish for that, just one more time. I guess we all wonder "what if" and " what else" and "should I."

This year I am adding the words of Hillel to my litany: “If I am not for myself, then who will be for me? And if I am only for myself, then what am I? And if not now, when?”  The short version of this mean, stop searching and start being.

So Ric and I and the dress headed to Golden for the ritual of Taslich. We took bread is throw into running water, with prayers for letting go of our "al chets", or all our sins of the last year. 

And we played. This has been a wonderful gift of our second wedding, we have remembered how to play together.

Ric told me to play with the art statues...and those shots are the best. So no more serious pictures. In fact, for all of you who think that I am a very serious person...just wait.

I have heard the call of the wild paper boy. I have stared a bear in the face.

I have listened to my free-spirit-gypsy-Israeli-soul and I am having fun. Even in the serious days of atonement.

L'shana Tova

G'mar Chatimah Tovah