Small steps toward gratitude

As Ric and I...and the wedding dress...round out the first year of our newest wedding I have been focusing on ways to improve our marriage. A new dress and new Katubah deserves a new relationship, and since the only way to change a relationship is for each individual to change, I decided to take a workshop on Jewish Marriages.

I am struggling with some of the lessons, and thought I would share it here and see if anyone else has this experience. According to the course there is power in turning complaints into gratitude, which I do agree with. Sort of. Most of the time.

The first step is to ask what I am feeling...am I angry or resentful or disappointed or let down or overwhelmed? Admit it. OK...got that part.

Next I am advised to be willing to let go of the negative state of mind. Hmmm...am I addicted to this sad thought? Would I rather be upset? This is what Victor Frankl talked about...we never need to be a victim of someone else's behavior. My happiness is based on my own choice to be happy. OK...I can choose my own state of mind...and I am willing to move on to a more positive attitude. 

So now what? I am supposed to ask what I actually know...what are my assumptions about this situation  Maybe there is something in Ric's past that makes him react strongly to an event or to a set of circumstances. Maybe he is having a flashback to something in his past. Or maybe he is afraid of something bad that will happen in the future. Or maybe I am. So let go of all the assumptions. 

So far so good. Sort of...this takes work. 

Now for the really rough part. Can I accept this is from G-d in some way? Hmm...this is rougher for me. Maybe I can see something difficult as paying a spiritual debt, or a tikkun olam (healing the world) or about tshuva (returning me to my spiritual path) or a nisayon (test), but the theology is rough for me. 

If this is true then everything that happens in my life is something I need to be grateful for. Everything, according to Jewish tradition, comes from G-d. So this means that I deserved this or earned this? OK...for small things...but what about big things? This sounds a bit too much like notions of karma...everything is decreed based on what I have done in past lives. I might have been really bad...in fact i think I was. OK...so tikkun olam for my past actions. 

Maybe something rough DOES prepare me for the future. Maybe something hard DOES wake me up and help me make different choices. Maybe it is not punishment, but a challenge that will help me grow.

Giving thanks for things that are scary or rough or challenging is really difficult. But some people have done this in powerful ways. 

Here is one piece from a mother who lost a son recently
four spiritual options

Then there is a famous story about sisters in a nazi concentration camp who gave thanks for the fleas in the barracks. The fleas ended up being a blessing.

I know people who have said thank you for legal challenges, and the challenges have gone away. I know people who have expressed gratitude for medical issues and gone on to live healthy vibrant lives. But still.....not sure that I use this in all situations. 

But I think I can try this in my marriage...at least try. Maybe I can start by letting go of my assumptions that I know how things are going to work out, or that I need to be in control of life. Small steps toward gratitude. 

Thoughts? 

I will let you know how I do with this.