I was invited to speak at the Denver Jewish Women's network breakfast today. Hope you enjoy the talk...though of course this not how it was delivered. I only had 6 minutes and I tend to ad lib. But this is the gist of the talk. Much of this is captured in my book, Pirate Wisdom. I would love your feedback.
After the glass ceiling
Let me start by congratulating you on what everyone of you
has achieved, and I am sure that each of you has achieved a great deal. Now,
let me give you a bit of advice for your future: Never play by rules that
define you as the loser. This is going to be the reoccurring theme in the next
few minutes. If you have made it through some ceiling, remember, that this new game
might have rules in which you have already been defined as the loser and
someone else as the winner. You have three choices. First, you can lose….not
likely in this group. Second…you can change games…which works if you can find a
game with better rules.
OR….better yet…change the rules. I refer to this as
Pirating.
Let’s talk about rules for a minute. If you remember the
Johnny Depp movie you might remember the line about the “code” (the pirate rules)
are more like guidelines. I saw this in action in Israel. If you have driven
there you might relate to this story. After a bit of a wild ride one morning
from Gezer to Jerusalem I turned to my cousin, who was driving, and said. “So
the lines on the road are more like suggestions,” he tapped his finger to his lips and replied
“recommendations.” When we are sailing, in a channel the buoys tell us what to
avoid, where NOT to go. But they do not tell us how to sail.
The same is true of the political rules…they are guidelines
to tell us where the danger lies, but not how to succeed. So, we need to know how to pirate the rules to our
advantage, to change the definition of winning and losing.
First. You made it through some glass ceiling, so clearly
you are good at what you do. But…how many of you recognize this? How many of
you, if asked why you are so successful would say that you are good at what you
do? Or smart? Talented? Guess what most men say? Yep…I am good.
OK…how many of you would say that you were lucky, had help
and busted your tush? All this might be true, but you need to add that you are
good at what you do, and ready to push your limits. Ready to rise to the
occasion and take on this next challenge.
Second…how do you get heard so that people know you are
ready to step up? There are lots of techniques and tricks. Find a mentor, keep
talking, be willing to interrupt. But most importantly, you have to bring
yourself, your real self, to the job. One highly successful woman friend of
mine who is a VP of land in an oil company once told me: You are a woman, and
you are always going to be a woman, so you have do this job like a woman. For
her this meant wearing heals even though she is over 6 feet tall, wearing
skirts and jewelry, and always having candy in her office. It meant, and still
means, being able to like someone and discipline them, or dislike someone and
praise them, and mentor them both. It meant creating a culture of
accountability and appreciation, just like she did for her kids.
This is a tricky balance. The rules say that women are kind,
but that leaders are strong. I would
argue that the best leaders balance both attributes, and many more. We have to demonstrate and communicate both.
So, third, use verbal and body language wisely. Our
tradition teaches us that words create worlds, so use them well. Stand up…let’s
see what our body language communicates. Stand small hunched over, shoulders up
around your ears…legs acting embarrassed….how do you feel?
Now stand in what I call tango position (or Israel stance)
core tight, shoulders down and back center of gravity in your hips, which is
where it resides for women. Now…how does that feel?
Great. Match your words to your body. Women tend to
apologize when we are showing empathy…we say I am sorry rather than how sad. We
nod, meaning to encourage, but signal agreement. We apologize before we offer
an idea, discount our thoughts before we express them. Communicate what you
truly want heard.
Move this style into your response time. I heard a woman
speaker who was the head of a large prison system. She said that even when
there was a crisis, she took at least two minutes to breathe deeply before she
moved into action. She settled herself and her voice so both communicated
confidence.
Fourth…just in case you are counting…read the leadership and
power books with caution. I actually recommend a book called Machiavelli for
women by XXXXXX. Remember, the books about whose hand is on top when you shake
may not work for you. Anyone snowboard? I have a theory about trainers and
sports lessons. Always take lessons and advice from someone who looks like you.
I tried snowboarding and the tall thin man giving the lessons kept telling me
to stand up straight. Which meant that I kept catching an edge and whacking the
ground. The next day at school a young woman about my build looked at me in
disbelief and told me to use my center of gravity, bend my knees and stick out
my tush. Which is how I ski. Do it like a woman. Don’t try to be more like a
man.
And finally…just for this morning…make sure that you build
the life you want to live. Do you want to be the Queen, or the pirate? The
captain or the first mate? The president or the VP? Do you want to leave work at 6 every night and
tuck your kids in? Are you an introvert or an extrovert? Find the role that
fits who you are and who you want to be, and live it proudly without apology.
So let’s end where we started. Be aware of the political
rules. Don’t avoid politics…which is really just a way to get groups of people
to move and act in accord. Don’t define it as back rooms thick with cigar
smoke. Don’t confuse gossip, yetzer hara, with politics. That is just poor
behavior. Do remember, that being
politically astute means that you can write the rules that define you, and
other women, as the winner.
There is a wonderful history program running on PBS, the Story of the Jews in which Simon Schama poses that 10 million dollar question: how have the Jews survived for almost 4000 years in the face of violence and numerous attempts at annihilation? ?What is the secret of a group of people, perhaps a family, who call themselves a nation, that has kept them alive while powerful civilizations have faded into archeological memory? Why are there still Jews on the planet?
Much like a cocoon protects a caterpillar as it becomes a butterfly, our wrappings become places that speak of and guard transformation. We put the Torah...our story...into garments. We place some of the holy prayers into T'fillin which are used during prayer. We create pray shawls that we wrap ourselves in as we pray so that we might transform. And we create beautiful wrappings for the words of the Shema blessing to mark our doorways and gates.
