Looking back but leaning forward

OK...so mercury really was retrograde when the (now) women I went to elementary school contacted me. They had not been on my radar, or on my life since 8 grade. I skipped half a year and left them behind. I have very few memories from that time, and really hardly any of them are good. 

They posted pictures on a facebook site, while I destroyed any that I found. Remember that weekend in the storage unit sorting my mom's stuff? Yep...I tossed every one that I found. They posted memories and every one's names while I wondered if I had been napping during those years.

And then they wanted to hold a reunion, but in LA, and I was strangely attracted to the idea. It might be because that awkward, fat, girl with the Jew-fro was long gone, replaced by a wild courageous spirit..who still looked good in a wedding dress. It might be because I knew I could add on two days of beach walking in Santa Barbara. Or maybe it was because I needed to put the past to bed. Or...best yet...realize that none of it every really mattered even though it seemed so important at the time.

So..I ran off to Santa Barbara for two days of beach walking and meditation...and shopping. And walking on the beach. And drinking wine on the beach. Thinking about all the challenges of the last year, and the year to come. I was poised between the job I had and what the job would become with a new boss. Who is wonderful...and for whom I will be able to do my best work. 

Why? Because everything I was that kept me from fitting in when I was young, everything that set me up for criticism from from my Grandmother, now made me a powerful leader. 
Not fitting in for all the odd reasons, the fact that I did not like the Beatles, was not good at sports, was not a typical "girl" but was a bit "bossy and pushy" and wanted to be more than the rules said I could...all of that taught me resiliency.  Not fitting in then, made be wonderful at making my own choices now. 

So perhaps my past did matter, but not in the way that I thought. It made me strong, and for that I am grateful.