After the glass Ceiling

I was invited to speak at the Denver Jewish Women's network breakfast today. Hope you enjoy the talk...though of course this not how it was delivered. I only had 6 minutes and I tend to ad lib. But this is the gist of the talk. Much of this is captured in my book, Pirate Wisdom. I would love your feedback.

After the glass ceiling

Let me start by congratulating you on what everyone of you has achieved, and I am sure that each of you has achieved a great deal. Now, let me give you a bit of advice for your future: Never play by rules that define you as the loser. This is going to be the reoccurring theme in the next few minutes. If you have made it through some ceiling, remember, that this new game might have rules in which you have already been defined as the loser and someone else as the winner. You have three choices. First, you can lose….not likely in this group. Second…you can change games…which works if you can find a game with better rules.

OR….better yet…change the rules. I refer to this as Pirating.

Let’s talk about rules for a minute. If you remember the Johnny Depp movie you might remember the line about the “code” (the pirate rules) are more like guidelines. I saw this in action in Israel. If you have driven there you might relate to this story. After a bit of a wild ride one morning from Gezer to Jerusalem I turned to my cousin, who was driving, and said. “So the lines on the road are more like suggestions,”  he tapped his finger to his lips and replied “recommendations.” When we are sailing, in a channel the buoys tell us what to avoid, where NOT to go. But they do not tell us how to sail.

The same is true of the political rules…they are guidelines to tell us where the danger lies, but not how to succeed. So, we need to know how to pirate the rules to our advantage, to change the definition of winning and losing.

First. You made it through some glass ceiling, so clearly you are good at what you do. But…how many of you recognize this? How many of you, if asked why you are so successful would say that you are good at what you do? Or smart? Talented? Guess what most men say?  Yep…I am good.

OK…how many of you would say that you were lucky, had help and busted your tush? All this might be true, but you need to add that you are good at what you do, and ready to push your limits. Ready to rise to the occasion and take on this next challenge.

Second…how do you get heard so that people know you are ready to step up? There are lots of techniques and tricks. Find a mentor, keep talking, be willing to interrupt. But most importantly, you have to bring yourself, your real self, to the job. One highly successful woman friend of mine who is a VP of land in an oil company once told me: You are a woman, and you are always going to be a woman, so you have do this job like a woman. For her this meant wearing heals even though she is over 6 feet tall, wearing skirts and jewelry, and always having candy in her office. It meant, and still means, being able to like someone and discipline them, or dislike someone and praise them, and mentor them both. It meant creating a culture of accountability and appreciation, just like she did for her kids.

This is a tricky balance. The rules say that women are kind, but that leaders are strong.  I would argue that the best leaders balance both attributes, and many more.  We have to demonstrate and communicate both.

So, third, use verbal and body language wisely. Our tradition teaches us that words create worlds, so use them well. Stand up…let’s see what our body language communicates. Stand small hunched over, shoulders up around your ears…legs acting embarrassed….how do you feel?

Now stand in what I call tango position (or Israel stance) core tight, shoulders down and back center of gravity in your hips, which is where it resides for women. Now…how does that feel?

Great. Match your words to your body. Women tend to apologize when we are showing empathy…we say I am sorry rather than how sad. We nod, meaning to encourage, but signal agreement. We apologize before we offer an idea, discount our thoughts before we express them. Communicate what you truly want heard.

Move this style into your response time. I heard a woman speaker who was the head of a large prison system. She said that even when there was a crisis, she took at least two minutes to breathe deeply before she moved into action. She settled herself and her voice so both communicated confidence.

Fourth…just in case you are counting…read the leadership and power books with caution. I actually recommend a book called Machiavelli for women by XXXXXX. Remember, the books about whose hand is on top when you shake may not work for you. Anyone snowboard? I have a theory about trainers and sports lessons. Always take lessons and advice from someone who looks like you. I tried snowboarding and the tall thin man giving the lessons kept telling me to stand up straight. Which meant that I kept catching an edge and whacking the ground. The next day at school a young woman about my build looked at me in disbelief and told me to use my center of gravity, bend my knees and stick out my tush. Which is how I ski. Do it like a woman. Don’t try to be more like a man.

And finally…just for this morning…make sure that you build the life you want to live. Do you want to be the Queen, or the pirate? The captain or the first mate? The president or the VP?  Do you want to leave work at 6 every night and tuck your kids in? Are you an introvert or an extrovert? Find the role that fits who you are and who you want to be, and live it proudly without apology.

So let’s end where we started. Be aware of the political rules. Don’t avoid politics…which is really just a way to get groups of people to move and act in accord. Don’t define it as back rooms thick with cigar smoke. Don’t confuse gossip, yetzer hara, with politics. That is just poor behavior.  Do remember, that being politically astute means that you can write the rules that define you, and other women, as the winner.