The Shofar and I Have a Dream

In honor of the month of Elul and the anniversary of I have a Dream.

A Story: Moses was on Mount Sinai for forty days learning all of the Torah and the oral law. After forty days he descended with the tablets only to find that the people below had given up hope of his return and that the men had built a golden calf. After destroying the calf, begging G-ds forgiveness for the people, and setting the tribes in their order, Moses went back up the mountain.

This time, however, his brother Aaron, the often silent priest, and his sister Miriam, the singing prophetess who found water in the desert, realized that the Israelites needed help retaining hope, and faith, and a belief in the future.  So the two of them ordered that the shofar be blown everyday in camp so that everyone could hear the sound of hope, the sound of faith, and the call to leave the life of slavery behind as they became a holy nation.

According to Jewish tradition, Moses was on Mount Sinai during the month of Elul, and returned to the camp on the first day of Rosh Hashanah, commonly called the Jewish New Year. This holiday, however actually is seen as the birthday of the planet, the birthday of creation. So the Shofar is also a reminder of the promise of a new day, a new chance, and new opportunity. In fact, there is a midrash, an interpretation, that suggests that G-d went up in the blast, ascending the mountain with Moses in the sound of the shofar. The sound of these blasts not only gathered the people of Israel together, it also elevated the divine spirit.

These blasts also remind people that we are moving into the days of atonement, which requires a return to G-d, called Tshuva.  The Shofar calls us to “At-one-ment”….between individuals and  with G-d. 

Honoring my Mother

The last few weeks the dress has been patiently waiting in the closet for another adventure. I have been traveling a great deal to help my mother transition from the 3 bedroom house in California she lived in for 53 years to a 2 bedroom cottage in Colorado at Shalom Park. I spent several weekends going through closets and drawers, tossing and packing and shredding to get ready for the move. Oh yes...I do still have a full time job in Colorado, so I built up a number of frequent flyer miles. 

All of this was done with love in the Jewish tradition of honoring one's parents...which actually has a twist most people do not know about. The Hebrew word "kavod" found in the talmud does not really mean honor, but more closely aligns with the English work "dignity" 

There is a profound difference between these two notions. I can honor my parent by making sure she is fed and clothed, but I am commanded to give her dignity in the way that I help her. This means feeding and clothing a parent, but making them feel beholding or unimportant does not count. In the same way that a baby who is fed but not held or loved can die, all of us need that sense of dignity and belonging as we age. 

There is also a clause about how far we must go to take care of our parents. We are not allowed to injury ourselves, physically, emotionally or financially, for our parents. 

"At the same time, while honoring your parents is a tremendous mitzvah, you also need to be responsible for your own welfare. One is not required to endanger his emotional or physical health for a parent. Therefore, if a child cannot cope with the parent's behavior, he is permitted to keep his distance."

This means that while we are supposed to help feed and clothe our parents, we are not supposed to drain our own saving to do this, or put ourselves in any sort of danger. This is a message that while others matter, we are still obligated to take care of ourselves. And that the focus is not on providing things and stuff, but on helping someone live with dignity. 

After cleaning out 53 years of papers and tchotchkes and clothes and furniture and utensils and tools and pictures and art decor and books and boxes and, and, and, and, and, I get it. None of us live well because of our stuff. Once our basic needs are met and we have what we need to function, more stuff does not make us happier, healthier or wealthier. It is the living with dignity, having a sense of meaning and purpose in the world that matters. Regardless of our age, regardless of our circumstance, human dignity trumps merchandise. 

We are still in the process of getting the details in place, stuff moved, and paperwork settled, all of which I will handle. The key, however is for me to handle it in a way that provides my mom mother with "kavod" in the truest manner. 

Honoring my Brother with every step

There is one way to feel gratitude with every step. Raise money for a great organization . Next step attend an event that is in a beautiful place. Walk with your hubby and newfy in this beautiful place with other people raising money for the wonderful organization. Watch people with MS struggle up the hill wearing T-shirts that say "I can, I will, I do." Cheer them on. Make up Team Newfy songs as you hike. Here are a few:
1. These Newfs were made for walking...and that's just what they'll do
2. I won't be your newf of burden
3. Hang on Newfy...newfy hang on
4. Newfy walking in the rain
5. Walk right in..sit right down...my newfy going to go to town
6. Walk like a newf
and on and on.

Then have a great cup of coffee in Steve's honor.

Great day...join us next year.

Small steps toward gratitude

As Ric and I...and the wedding dress...round out the first year of our newest wedding I have been focusing on ways to improve our marriage. A new dress and new Katubah deserves a new relationship, and since the only way to change a relationship is for each individual to change, I decided to take a workshop on Jewish Marriages.

I am struggling with some of the lessons, and thought I would share it here and see if anyone else has this experience. According to the course there is power in turning complaints into gratitude, which I do agree with. Sort of. Most of the time.

The first step is to ask what I am feeling...am I angry or resentful or disappointed or let down or overwhelmed? Admit it. OK...got that part.

Next I am advised to be willing to let go of the negative state of mind. Hmmm...am I addicted to this sad thought? Would I rather be upset? This is what Victor Frankl talked about...we never need to be a victim of someone else's behavior. My happiness is based on my own choice to be happy. OK...I can choose my own state of mind...and I am willing to move on to a more positive attitude. 

So now what? I am supposed to ask what I actually know...what are my assumptions about this situation  Maybe there is something in Ric's past that makes him react strongly to an event or to a set of circumstances. Maybe he is having a flashback to something in his past. Or maybe he is afraid of something bad that will happen in the future. Or maybe I am. So let go of all the assumptions. 

So far so good. Sort of...this takes work. 

Now for the really rough part. Can I accept this is from G-d in some way? Hmm...this is rougher for me. Maybe I can see something difficult as paying a spiritual debt, or a tikkun olam (healing the world) or about tshuva (returning me to my spiritual path) or a nisayon (test), but the theology is rough for me. 

If this is true then everything that happens in my life is something I need to be grateful for. Everything, according to Jewish tradition, comes from G-d. So this means that I deserved this or earned this? OK...for small things...but what about big things? This sounds a bit too much like notions of karma...everything is decreed based on what I have done in past lives. I might have been really bad...in fact i think I was. OK...so tikkun olam for my past actions. 

Maybe something rough DOES prepare me for the future. Maybe something hard DOES wake me up and help me make different choices. Maybe it is not punishment, but a challenge that will help me grow.

Giving thanks for things that are scary or rough or challenging is really difficult. But some people have done this in powerful ways. 

Here is one piece from a mother who lost a son recently
four spiritual options

Then there is a famous story about sisters in a nazi concentration camp who gave thanks for the fleas in the barracks. The fleas ended up being a blessing.

I know people who have said thank you for legal challenges, and the challenges have gone away. I know people who have expressed gratitude for medical issues and gone on to live healthy vibrant lives. But still.....not sure that I use this in all situations. 

But I think I can try this in my marriage...at least try. Maybe I can start by letting go of my assumptions that I know how things are going to work out, or that I need to be in control of life. Small steps toward gratitude. 

Thoughts? 

I will let you know how I do with this. 

Places in our soul

The dress has traveled to many places with me this year. Some I enjoyed and was sad to leave.Others I happily waved good-bye to. Thinking about this I remembered a story that I read recently.

Rav Yitzchak Hutner told: I once took a walk with Rav Kook and another man amidst the mountains of the land of Israel. Rav Kook told how impressed he was by the landscape.       The other man asked him, “But you were in the Alps.  What is so special about these mountains?”  

 Rav Kook replied, “The Alps did not speak to me.” (Shivchei Harayah, p. 195)

This story speaks to me the way that the red rocks of the American southwest speak to me. I have been in many places that are geologically amazing, layer upon layer of rock leading back into the past, that are similar to canyonlands, but were silent.

I remember walking through Mesa Verde and hearing people wonder why the Anasazi moved into the rock ledges. I was so surprised to hear the question. Of course that they moved into the rocks...the rocks sang to them. The DNA of the rocks vibrated with the DAN of the old ones...and I can feel and hear this.

The same is probably true of Petra and the people who originally lived there. I was so excited to go deep into those canyons and feel and hear the rocks...but they were silent. Not for others, but for me.

However the rocks in Safed called and chanted and reached for me. The houses built out of stones like a gathering of caves around the central high point, for a moment, transformed into Mesa Verde before my eyes. The rooms I walked into embraced me with prayer and chant and song. The same thing happened in the tunnels of Jerusalem. I am linked to the rocks in Israel through my DNA.

This explains perhaps why certain oceans reach out to me with song, welcoming me as a  secret mermaid, and others seem to simply tickle my toes without any special connection. The Pacific calls me to me, while the Atlantic is merely a friend. The Mediterranean sea at Caesarea  and Tel Aviv laughed aloud when we met, inviting me to stay and stay and stay. 

My husband says that his Pacific kisses the Hawaiian Islands. I love the ocean there too, but also feel at home along the Monterey coast.

I have learned to accept this sense of resonance with gratitude and without question.  How wonderful that some people are called to the plains and some to the mountains and some to the sea. Perhaps this is why humans spread out across the planet, walking and sailing from one continent to another...looking for resonance. Searching for the place that sings them home. 

I love the Colorado mountains and hiking, buy my soul is filled with the sea. Someday I need to follow that call back to the shore, with or without a wedding dress, with good friends, new friends, old friends, and people I love. Someday I need to follow the song of the sea the holds the essence of my DNA.

Tisha b'av and marriages

Today is the holy day of Tisha Ba'av, the ninth of Av, the fast day marking destruction of the first and second temple, as well as the dates (different years) the Jews were expelled from Spain, France, and England. This date also marks the date of the announcement of the "final solution" as well as the deportation from the Warsaw Ghetto. There are even more connections, but clearly this is a bad day for Jews, which is marked by fasting and meditation.

Clearly not a day connected to joy or weddings, or white dresses. 

But I heard some wonderful "midrashim" about the day and lessons for marriages. 

Before the destruction of the temple, sheep, cows and goats were brought as sin offerings. Why these animals? Because each of them represent something that we need to sacrifice in our own behavior if we wish to have successful relationships. The sheep follows the crowd, making decisions based on what others will think. Sacrificing our inner "sheep" means that we stop making decisions based on our neighbors rather than on what we know is right. 

The goat represents the way we are driven by desire. Desire can be wonderful, but not if it is governs all our actions. The same is true for the cow, which represents being useful ALL the time in ALL ways. It is wonderful to be useful, unless that is all we do, multi-tasking every moment of the day, and forgetting to care for ourselves. 

So what  does all this have to do with marriages? It is said that when the temple stood there were as many prophets as the number of individuals who walked out of Egypt, meaning the G-d spoke to us..each of us..personally. But that connection, for so many reasons, is more difficult to find. So how do we connect now? By doing a mitzvah...fulfilling a commandment or "good deed."  And the most powerful way to do this is in our intimate relationships, of which marriage is one. 

So if relationships are holy, and offer us a pathway to spiritual connection, then we should bring our best self to each other. One way of doing to stop blaming others and taking responsibility for our own actions. We do this by sacrificing our inner sheep, goat and cow, so that we are open to T'shuvah...returning to the world of connection. 

We build strong relationships by changing ourselves. When we change ourselves we change our relationships and the world around it. 

Making the ordinary Sacred

Beyond making the ordinary an adventure, the wedding dress travels have helped me see the ordinary as a miracle, and to perhaps capture the notion of sacredness in ordinary activities.  According to Rabbi Elimelekh of Lizhensk, each new level of spiritual development is called a "generation." Which suggests that the Jewish prayers that refer to G-d's covenant with us lasting from "l'dor v'dor," from generation to generation, has two meanings, one referring to time (through a family lineage) and one referring to spiritual growth. 

In order to climb the spiritual ladder to the next generation we must learn to sanctify the ordinary, physical action of our present level. 
Our daily actions, like walking, eating, sailing, hiking, 
helping our parents  or strangers can become sacred, containing some aspect of praising G-d.

Travels with the dress, and with a sense of intentionality that some would call "presence" or "mindfulness," has allowed me to expand my spiritual reach to encompass ever-increasing spheres of what might be considered boring, mundane, or ordinary activities. 

I have begun to wonder, is every action potentially an instrument of praising? Is this the source of the Jewish notion of saying 100 blessings each day? Would many of us be more open to this if it was couched in Buddhist terms?

 I have to wonder about the complaints that old white guys created these "rules" and "guidelines" to keep women out, because being present and mindful sounds so feminine. What mother has not said 100 blessing each day for the wonder and safety or her child? What woman does not understand the need to be present with friends in need, aging parents, troubled teens, or anguished filled community members? Who has not found that midnight phone calls from a girlfriends have a sense of holy-work attached to them? 

Who walks in a 3-day breast cancer/stroke/heart association/MS event without a sense of doing holy work and being present?

I invite you to share your journey with me on these pages. How are you making the ordinary sacred? How have small adventures turned into spheres of spiritual growth? How are you moving from "generation to generation?" And how can I help?